crossroads

two directions we could go, and i’ll let you decide:

do we go right and stay friends, because i have to admit i can’t stop missing you wildly, and i’ve never had a friend like you and i’m not the kind of fool that thinks i can or should throw the truth away… and i won’t be mean or paranoid or terrified anymore, because my heart isn’t on the line. you got your own life, and i got mine, and that’s fine… maybe i’ll even follow you sometime, because i’m totally sick of stalking your timeline.

or

do we go left and leave each other behind, something to keep us warm when the memory comes to mind, because it might be time for that and it’s probably wise… there may not really be a place for me in your life, or you in mine, and if you’re sick of me or just not interested in my presence in your mind, then that’s also fine. the world is big, you got yours, and i need to find what’s mine.

but i’ll let you decide, because the truth is i’ve tried, but i can’t cut the ties that bind. maybe there’s something left for me do or give, show or find. we’re at a crossroads, and i want you to decide, and your decision will also be mine. just whatever you decide, you know how tender my heart is so please be kind. we can either find a new way to wind and share our time, or we leave each other behind, but you need to decide, and let me know without a doubt in my mind…. so my friend, shall we go left or right?

The Shadow Assassin

Something unexpected happened at work today. You see, I thought I had been completely forgotten by the crimelords I messed with a few years ago. I spent all of 2011 terrified that they would find a particular something out and send an assassin after me. They didn’t find out, and no one came. Or at least, I don’t think so. Anyway, that didn’t stop me from living in paranoia for a year that an assassin was lurking outside my window, and it didn’t prevent the dreams of being hunted and hunted and hunted, which haunted me all year.

This year it seems, I’m killing all those hunters, not just in my dreams, but also at work, where I’m a cashier. It was a pretty boring day actually. I was really tired from fasting, because it’s Ramadan, and when the tall man with the overcoat, trim beard and Dick Tracy-style hat approached my register, I didn’t think twice about it.

“Hi, how are you? Would you like some glow sticks for a dollar? Did you find everything ok?” I said with a big, fake grin.

Then, out of the blue, this weird chubby little kitten-sized cat came at me charging my ankles, hissing and spitting a green fluid (poison, I guess?) and baring its fangs ready to bite. I kicked it into the wall behind the man. It went limp and fell to the ground with a thud and then disappeared with a *poof* of yellow-green dust, presumably back to whatever layer of the Universe it came from.

I was on alert after that first, weird, attempt failed. Like lightening, the man with the neat beard pulled out a big knife from someplace inside his overcoat and lunged at me over the counter. I grabbed his wrist and pushed him down to the floor as I flipped off the wall behind me to land on the other side of my counter. The man whirled around and crouched on the floor, knife in hand, ready to lunge.

I grabbed one of the heavy, black dividers used to corral customers into an orderly line to the registers and swung it as he launched himself back over the counter to attack. Divider met with hip, and I could hear a wet crunch.

Sagging onto the floor, he used the last of his energy to throw the heavy knife into my face, but I dodged it and caught it mid-air to turn it back on him. When I turned to face him, though, he was already lying in a crumpled heap on the floor, heaving for air. Maybe the divider caught a bit of rib, I thought, and I slammed it into his head, not knowing if he was dead or knocked out, and not caring. He disappeared in the same yellow-green puff of dust.

“Excuse me, excuse me, miss! Can I use two of these coupons?”

“No. Look, it says on the coupon ‘One coupon per customer per day.'” I replied, turning around to face the red-faced customer with the bulging belly. I guess no one notices a shadow assassin. Now I have to wonder where he came from… and who sent him.

The Demons in Our Dreams, or “Here There Be Monsters”

Journal Entry: June 30th, 2014

The nightmares have returned. Last night, I fought two monsters in my dreams. I slit one’s throat, and the other, I fought to keep locked in its cage. It would seem a fitting way to herald the beginning of Ramadan, and the beginning of my journey into the Realm of Monsters. Clearly the beast in the cage, a vicious cat-wolf, was my own inner beast, my nafs, which I barely managed to keep contained and not without injury and struggle.

The other is strange, though. He was human and a predator, and I slit his throat with an over-sized butcher knife. I could feel the knife sever the ligaments and esophagus. It seems unnecessarily visceral for a dream, and I got no satisfaction from it, no triumph. It was a duty, like dispatching a vicious dog, and also defense. He had me in his lair, and I was to be his next victim. Or not.

I guess this is a good way to begin my journey to fight demons, both the predators and the beasts within me. And if these dreams offer any insight, it will be my own demons which will still give me the greatest fight, but I guess that is the nature of the struggle in this world, the dunya. In the end, the struggle is all inside each of us.

My hope is that these dreams were a guide for at least the beginning of my journey, because I’m a little (read: very) worried about the kind of beings I’ll encounter on my journey into this unfamiliar realm of darkness. I wasn’t prepared for the Unseen Beings (known as the jinn in Islam) I met last time. There’s an entire chapter of the Qur’an about the jinn, called Al-Jinn. I read it today, or at least, the English version of it. I doubt it will yield any of its important facets of truth to me until I can learn to read it in Arabic, and that will be part of my journey. That’s the way of the Qur’an. The very letters of the words hold deep spiritual truths within themselves. There is no Qur’an in English. There is only one Qur’an, just as there is only one God.

The jinn are tricky and capricious. There are Muslims among them, but a human may not ever be able to tell which is Muslim and which is a deceiver. One thing I know, though, is that one should never trust a jinn, and we should never seek them out. On my last journey, the one with whom I was most intimately familiar was a master of deception and seductive lies. He called himself the Parasite King, and he and his kind fed on addicts. They whisper the suggestions in the ears and hearts of humans which create the social environments that foster and sustain addiction. There’s a certain energetic substance about addicts that these creatures love and feed on. I used to know what it was, but I can’t remember anymore. These creatures feed delusions, and they feed on despair. They are the lovers who destroy minds, bodies and souls, and I was caught up in their web, particularly that of the Parasite King. I didn’t escape. Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala saved me. And that is the most important thing I learned from that experience. We don’t save ourselves.

I hope I’m never so lost again, but if I am, I know He can save me. I know I can walk into this battle, and I can put all of my trust in Allah to guide me and protect me, if He wills. I pray I can be deserving of His guidance and protection, ameen.

 

 

 

 

I’ll Miss My Dragon

Bismillah

Journal Entry: June 27th, 2014

I’m going to miss my dragon this time. He was my most faithful companion on my last journey, but he’s not with me anymore. We went our separate ways. It was inevitable, I suppose. He was unpredictable and had such a temper! Sometimes, frequently, he would turn his fiery breath on me, and I would get scorched, but all in all, he had my back even through the hardest terrain. He was always there. I’m going to miss him terribly. I already do. I need to remember that I don’t need him, though. I only need Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala. My dragon is a just a created thing, like me, and I can never, ever rely on a created thing.

If you were with me during my first journey into the Unseen, you probably saw me talking to him. I never said who he was, though, or that he’s a dragon. Actually, in this world, he looks like a dinosaur. I’m not sure if he even knows that in the other world he’s a dragon, and not a very nice dragon either. I loved him, though. I’ll always love him.

I’m going to miss him so much. I don’t have any companions on this journey now. I hope I find some friends on my path, hopefully going in the same direction. I wish it could be him, but he’s worlds away now. We didn’t part ways very amicably, either. I think I told him he was dead, and he told me I’m a fool for believing in God and following a religion. C’est la vie. Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala will provide me with companionship when or if I need it, insha’Allah. That’s enough for me.

But I’ll still miss my dragon.

Sincerely,

Octa

I’ll Know the Truth When I Die

Bismillah

Journal Entry: June 26th, 2014

I’m not sure where this journey will take me or if people will understand or care. I’m pretty sure they won’t, but that’s not important. I need to remind myself that even though the performance is in this world, the dunya, the only One who will See it is Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala. This is for Him or should not be at all. So, if no one notices or cares or understands, I have to remember that He does.

I also have to remember that I can’t be expected to know or understand the Unseen world. InshaAllah He ta’ala will grant me insight and develop my heart vision for the purpose of my quest, but only He knows if He will do that. I don’t have to know or understand what I encounter. My job is only to trust Him, love him and obey Him, and to do it all for Him, insha’Allah. In His religion, the deen of Islam, the road map and compass is there. I just have to find the words and learn their meaning. It’s all there. If I get lost, it’s my own fault.

My last journey saw me groping blindly across a yawning abyss guided only by my heart, because truly my mind was utterly lost. Like that scene in Indiana Jones where they have to have faith to cross the crevasse, that’s what I need to do. I actually saw it in a dream last night. I need faith, sound sacred knowledge and strict adherence to His guidance, insha’Allah. And I need to take the first step, even though I can’t see the bridge.

It’s not important whether this story is unfolding in a real world or in just my imagination. I won’t know the Truth of it until I die and the veil is lifted from my heart. It doesn’t matter; what matters is my intention, and my intention is to travel into the Unseen World to battle the demons causing Chaos in my world, and I’m doing it for the sake of Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala, for His pleasure and love. I’m doing it to protect the people caught in the path of the Beast, both those who think they can ride the shayateen and those caught in its path.

No one will notice or care, but I’ll be here, quietly doing my own thing, as usual. Alhamdulilah,

Please pray for me.

Sincerely,

Octa

I’m going in

Bismillah

Journal Entry: June 25th, 2014

So it looks like I’ve finally come back to the journey in the Unseen Realm. After barely surviving my last adventure in this Realm with my life, sanity and soul, I’m not very eager to jump back in. I know it really can’t be avoided, though. It’s how I was made. It’s who I am. This time, though, I won’t be exploring the Realm of Madness and fighting my own demons. This time, I’m venturing into the Realm of War and, by the grace and will of Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala, I’m going to fight the demons dragging others into Hell. You can see this war manifest in the material world, the dunya. Its roots go far deeper, though, and that’s where I’m going to go, insha’Allah.

I’m not honestly sure that I’m ready yet. The poisons and darkness in my own heart may drag me down. Traveling the Realm of the Unseen is not a joke, and without a guide or a map, like how I went in the last time, you can get sucked into an eternal Abyss. It’s Hell, or at least a part of it. I can’t be saying what Hell is. I’ve only been to parts of it.

The only way I’ll survive is with total trust and reliance on Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala, and total obedience to His Guidance in the form of the inward and outward Shari’a. It is the road map of the Unseen. In it are signposts in our language but the signs are describing terrain that our species isn’t physically equipped to perceive. If I fail in my faith, I will fail for eternity.

I’m a little scared, but I don’t really have a choice. I’ve prayed istikhara over and over and this is the Path that Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala seems to be directing me down. I hope it’s not my delusion or folly. I know what it means to get lost in this realm, and I know that the only way back to the Light is by the mercy of Allah.

The only reason I survived last time I was utterly lost and being sucked into the Eternal Abyss of the Unseen World was that I was given a miracle. I prayed and prayed and prayed with all my heart for a miracle. At that time, I didn’t even know who I was praying to, but Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala answered. His Mercy is the only reason I’m alive and sane today, and it will only be by His mercy that I survive this journey.

Please pray for me.

 

Sincerely,

Octa